*Trigger Warning; topics such as suicide and abortion are discussed in this post*
Finding out your pregnant should be a beautiful thing right? For most folks it is. Bringing a new life into the world is quite wonderful. Unfortunately for me this all came up completely unplanned. Shocked was honestly an understatement for how I felt when my Clearblue test read PREGNANT. I feel like I should explain where my husband and I are in life in order for you to get why I felt the way I did. We’ve been living with my parents for a couple years now to hopefully save and get a place of our own. Thanks to COVID a major wrench got thrown into those plans. I lost my job and went on unemployment. I know it doesn’t sound so bad given the extra cushion that was given with unemployment for COVID but it was honestly devastating. I would be lying to you guys if I didn’t say I became a bit depressed. As I always do though, I kept going. Somewhere along the line of my depression and drunken/anxious nights my husband and I conceived.
Fast forward to the day I found out! My husband and I had went riding on some back roads where we live with the Jeep top down. Never in my life have I ever felt car sick. That day I had to literally tell him to slow down. I’ll be honest, I thought it was a hang over because I did drink the night before. So I rode out the feelings that day, got up the next day with the exact same nauseous feeling. I guess it was instinct but I was like I’m just gonna take a test just to knock it out of the way. I was positive.
Here’s where my feelings about it flew around everywhere. I wasn’t super thrilled. I was scared. Knowing we didn’t have a house of our own and me being out of a job killed any attempt I had at excitement. I walked straight out of the bathroom and told my mom. She remained calm with it, even though I was crying, and said wait until tomorrow morning to get an accurate read because it was around 6pm in the day. My nerves weren’t able to. My husband was at work so I had him pick up another box of test on his way home. I took another as soon as he got home, another positive. I literally felt like I could die. I didn’t have the money for a abortion and I literally felt like I had made the biggest mistake I couldn’t fix. Immediately texting my friend I told her for the first time in my life I would not have cared if I died. That was honestly how terrified/scared I was. As the day went on the feelings stayed but dulled out. Day two came around and I decided that all my feelings were selfish. If my parents have taught me anything it’s that all things happen for a reason. I shouldn’t get rid of this baby just because it didn’t happen like I’d planned. Let me also add that I was questioning whether I wanted to be a parent at all.
To update you on my current status. My moral for the situation has lifted tremendously. I haven’t admitted I’m excited yet because…. I don’t feel I’m quite there yet. But the love and support I’ve received since announcing my pregnancy has hyped me up a lot. I am excited to see where this takes me.
The image of the ultrasound is simply a stock photo for aesthetic. Im only 7wks so I do not have a big baby in there just yet!